I woke up at 6:30 this morning to get to Flower Mound by 7:30. And then I got lost getting to a new house. It's okay because all three girls are still asleep and who wants a nanny who would force them out of bed?

So I wander around this house. There's a fly stuck between the window and its blinds. Instant noodle cups in the pantry. A laptop. No password. Internet.... connected. And I end up here, of all virtual places.

It is summer. And for the first time, it is not an oasis of free time. For once, I am working 45-hour weeks. It's nice to feel like I've smacked senioritis thoroughly in the face, although my Chinese learning would probably be more effective if I put some more effort in. But of course, story of my life, I'm too lazy.

I barely live in my own home anymore. Every night I'm off somewhere and it's a really good feeling. Getting out on the town. Or at least other people's homes in the town, since retail gets old quick. Or is that quickly? In any case, I feel like maybe this is living - a constant flurry of activity and catching up and games and laughing. I haven't really had a moment to myself to stop and just. Wander in my head. (Like I always do [did?].)

And so. Time to overanalyze. I do believe the word of the day is baggage.

I have a lot of stuff. Cheap clothes, shiny bits of crafty paper, old notes from classes long passed, and completely useless things. I don't think there's another word for them. Small little objects that vary in their actual aesthetic quality but are just so cherished (or at least were at a time) that I can't throw them away.

What do I actually expect to take with me? I'm going halfway across the country, and all I actually need are some clothes and shoes. Everything else I guess I'll just buy at Target or something.

But, oh, capitalism has an answer for everything. Shelves and rows are saturated in the cutest little patterned suitcases for those select belongings I deem worthy of being kept, and three other aisles are dedicated to  compartment organizers of all shapes and sizes for all the stuff that I'm sure to accumulate. I mean really? There's a friggin Container Store. Don't you love America?

So physical baggage is easy cheesy. And the emotional kind?

I'm not really sure I have any. I live a thoroughly uncomplicated life, and yeah, there are disagreements and upsets but generally. I end up forgetting they exist. Maybe this makes me a superficial person, but I like fun. And it even shows up in my favorite movies - they're all either comedies or had quirky bits that made me smile or at least kept me entertained. Sure, I see a few deep, psychologically probing human dramas, but in the end, they go way over my head. I can understand the emotional issues but I guess I don't really get any fulfillment from them.

The same goes for the way I interact with people. I keep it light, I try to be funny, and I laugh a lot.

When something serious does come up, I really don't know what to say. Do I console? I can't quite emphasize because let's be honest - my life is pretty sunny. I end up nodding a lot. I can't offer much in this avenue. And maybe that's why no one really confides in me. That's why I don't have any deep connections that it will break my heart to sever come fall when we all ship off to college.

As much as I want to help people deal with their shit and heal or whatever you're supposed to do when you're hurting or even just struggling, I'm not really that person for anyone. Maybe because I don't have anything to confide back? Let's see what kind of deep-seated sentiments I can dig up.

I'm afraid I spent too much of my life coloring in the lines and now I just want to do something dumb and illegal. Even in the people I love and care about most, I constantly see their imperfections. I get really paranoid about what people see in me and a lot of times I feel inadequate, ugly, and worst of all, boring. More than anything else I just want to love and be loved, but it's starting to look like I'll never have that kind of emotional capacity.

Yeah I got nothing.